Disclaimers: Not mine, don't sue.
Author's note: Apparently I forgot to update this one too...
Dr. Crosby entered the waiting area of his practice at Llanview Hospital the next morning, reading over the morning's edition of The Sun. He called a greeting to his secretary without looking up, but jumped when he realized someone was blocking the door to his office. "John!" he said barely managing not to splash coffee on himself, "I didn't realize we had an appointment today."
"We don't," he said, "I'm hoping you can help me with that."
"The one you want to talk to about that is my secretary," he said with a smile, "she handles scheduling."
"Yeah, I tried that," he said, "but she told me you aren't accepting new patients right now."
"But you're not a new patient," Crosby said in confusion.
"I tried to tell her that," he said, "but she says you don't have an active file on me."
Dr. Crosby thought for a moment and then it hit him, "You know what happened? When you died I had your file moved to my old records storage. I'm sorry about that. I'll take care of it and have her call you in the next couple days."
"I was really hoping you could meet with me today," John pressed.
Sensing the urgency in his tone and realizing it would take a minor miracle or a major emergency for John McBain to willing seek out psychological help, Dr. Crosby asked, "Has something happened?"
"Yeah," John said with a nervous glance towards the secretary who was doing a poor job of pretending she wasn't listening in. "Can we?" John said motioning into his office.
Dr. Crosby nodded and walked the rest of the way into his office and shutting the door behind him. "What's going on?"
"We're still covered by that doctor/patient thing, right?"
"Of course," Dr. Crosby said solemnly.
"Natalie's pregnant," John found himself blurting out.
"Well congratulations," Crosby said, his face breaking into a smile as he patted John on the arm, "I didn't realize you two were back together."
"We're not," John said, wondering how Crosby even knew they had broken up.
"Oh," he said slowly, "so it's not your baby?"
"No, it is," John said, hoping his panic wasn't showing too much.
"But you're not together?" Crosby verified.
"No."
"Can I ask how that happened?"
John sighed. "We were together one night. It wasn't really planned. We'd both been drinking. We didn't really use protection…"
"I don't need a biology lesson," Crosby said holding up his hand, "Okay, well I understand your cause for concern. New fatherhood is scary for a lot of men. And I'm really proud that you took the initiative to come down here and-"
"This isn't my initiative," John said quickly.
"Excuse me?"
"Natalie," he explained, "she thinks I'm too unstable to be a father. So she had some lawyer draw up papers saying that I had to go back into therapy if I want to be able to see the baby once it's born."
"Ah," Crosby said, understanding that it was both a minor miracle and a major emergency which had brought him here today.
"So what I was thinking," John said, "is maybe I could come in while you're like catching up on paper work and I can bring a deck of cards or something and you can sign whatever you have to to say I'm coming in like I'm supposed to and-"
"Nice try, McBain," Crosby said.
"Huh?"
"I'll make room for you in my schedule, John," he assured him, "but, heavy handed though her approach may be, I think Natalie has a point. You do still have a lot of unresolved issues, and I think working on them will only make you a better father."
"But…" John stammered feebly.
Crosby looked at his watch. "I have a little time before my first patient arrives. Are you busy right now?"
John searched desperately for an excuse but couldn't find one. He was suspended from work and it wasn't like his social calendar was full. "Um… no," he finally admitted.
"Great!" Crosby said, "Have a seat. Let's get started."
John sat down awkwardly on the couch as Crosby settled comfortably into the chair adjacent to him. "So how long have you known about the baby?"
"Couple days," he said.
"And how do you feel about it?"
"I don't know," John said with a shrug, "I mean, good, I guess. Except this whole thing is all messed up. And Natalie started making these threats…"
"How did that make you feel?"
"How do you think it made me feel?" he shot back, "I mean, she comes in, tells me I'm going to be a father, then tells me I'm not going to get to be a father. It pissed me off, but then it also-"
When John stopped himself, Dr. Crosby leaned forward slightly. "It also, what?" he pressed.
"Well… she sort of has a point," he admitted, "not that I think that gives her any right to keep my kid from me, but some of the stuff she said was kind of true."
"Like what?"
"Like I'm not exactly the cheeriest guy on the planet," he said, "you know that. I don't really have the brightest view of the world. But then I feel like, from everything I've seen, my view is pretty accurate. But she says I'm gonna make the kid cynical and I guess maybe that wouldn't be good."
"Uh huh," Crosby said scribbling something on a notepad, "is that all she said?"
"No," he said with a sigh.
Crosby looked up at him. "You know I'm not going to let you out of telling me what else she said."
John shifted uncomfortably. "She said I always put her last. After everyone else. And that's why she thinks I won't make this baby a priority."
"Do you think that's true?" Crosby asked.
"No," he said quickly, "not about the baby. Kids need to be a priority, even I know that."
"And what about what she said about the way you treat her?"
John squirmed a little more. "I never meant to. I mean Natalie's always been important to me, since the day I met her. Even when we were with other people. When she's been in trouble, there was nothing I wouldn't do to help her."
"And what about when she wasn't in trouble," Crosby said, "What about every day life?"
John shook his head. "You know, when we first got together. For real. She said she was worried we wouldn't work in every day life."
"Was she right?"
"Well we aren't together anymore."
"And why is that, exactly?" Crosby asked.
John shrugged. "She finally got smart enough to dump me?" he suggested.
"Hmm…" the doctor said scribbling on his notepad.
"What?" John asked sitting forward, "Hmm what? What are you writing?"
Crosby moved the notepad out of John's range of vision. "It's interesting," he said, "you seem to think that her mistake was not breaking up with you, but being involved with you in the first place."
"Well don't you?" he said, "You of all people ought to know how messed up I am. Don't you think she's probably better off without me?"
He smiled. "At the risk of damaging your self image even further, John, I deal with patients everyday whose problems far surpass yours. And believe it or not, many of them manage to have healthy relationships."
"Yeah, well not me," John said with a sigh.
"And why do you think that is?"
"Isn't it your job to figure that out?"
Crosby didn't respond to John's question, but instead asked, "Were you in love with Natalie?"
John looked at the floor and said quietly, "Yes."
"Were you still in love with her when she broke things off between the two of you?"
"Yeah," he said, "I mean, we were driving each other crazy, but yeah, I still loved her."
"And what about now? Do you still love her?"
John let out a sigh. "I don't know, doc. I'm not even sure I really understand what that word means."
"We'll table that question for the moment then," he said patiently, "If you say you were still in love with her, then why do you think it was a good thing she broke up with you? Do you think she stopped loving you?"
John thought back; it occurred to him he hadn't really done that. He'd avoided looking back at that time as much as he could. "I wish she had," he mumbled.
"Why is that?"
"Maybe would have been easier on her," he said.
"The break up?"
John nodded. "And before. The last few months she was hurting a lot," he said, "and I didn't really understand why and I sure as hell didn't know how to stop it. She wasn't really Natalie, you know? She started acting different. Paranoid kind of. But she seems to be better now. And you know, at least she got out of it alive."
Doctor Crosby raised an eyebrow at the last comment and wrote some more on his notepad. "Do you think that Natalie was in some kind of danger being with you?"
"Well look at my track record," he said with a shrug, "Caitlyn, Marty..." He thought back wondering who else he could add to the list. Evangeline was in a coma. Kathryn…
"John," Crosby said, interrupting his mental inventory, "Do you remember me explaining to you that your father's death wasn't your fault?"
"I never said it was," he countered.
"But you spent twenty-five years blaming yourself anyway," he reminded him, "You were no more responsible for those women's deaths than you were for your father's."
"Wish I could believe that," John mumbled under his breath.
"I'll admit that I don't know all the details," Crosby said, "but what I do know is you're not God. And I know that serial killers are out there, and sometimes they target those investigating them. And I know that cars crash. And I know that there are a limited number of things that you can do to stop those things from happening. And there's no evidence that either of those women would still be alive I they hadn't met you at all."
John didn't say anything, but sat looking straight ahead, unable to believe Crosby's words no matter how much he wanted to.
"And until you can accept that," he continued, "you're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Whether it's a romantic relationship, or your relationship with your child."
"So what do I do?" he asked.
Crosby glanced at his watch. "Well, for now you go out and make an appointment with my secretary. Tell her I okayed it."
"Oh," John said, surprised to find he was disappointed that their session was over, "Okay." John stood up and started to move towards the door.
"Before you come back, I'm going to give you a little homework assignment," Crosby said, standing up himself.
"I have to do homework for therapy?" John asked with a roll of his eyes.
"Understand, John, that I'm here to help, but if you want to get better, you're going to have to do the work yourself," he explained.
"Okay fine," John groaned, "what do you want me to do?"
"I want you to brainstorm a list of everything you blame yourself for."
"Everything?" John asked raising an eyebrow.
"Well concentrate on the big things," he said with a smile, "Like Caitlyn and Marty. It'll help us start to work through your guilt issues in our next session."
John stood in the reception area in front of Natalie's office trying not to let himself feel intimidated. It still didn't quite click in his brain that Natalie worked here now. Natalie wasn't power suits and marble floors. She was knit tops and that cheap carpet all government buildings seemed to have. Odd, she hadn't worked at the LPD for almost a year, and yet that was still where he pictured her. There or Rodi's. But not Buchanan Enterprises.
Her secretary-Natalie had a secretary, that was unsettling too-had said she'd be right back, but he'd been waiting for over half an hour.
"John," he heard a voice behind him say and turned to see Clint Buchanan walking towards him, "What brings you here?"
This wasn't going to be pleasant. When he'd decided to come and talk to Natalie at her office, he hadn't thought through the fact that her father worked there as well. He'd broken this man's daughter's heart and gotten her pregnant, in that order. He really didn't want to have to face him without protective gear.
And Clint was still staring at him. Oh that's right, he'd asked a question. "I um… I came to talk to Natalie. But she's not in… I can go."
"No, no, stay," he said, "I'm sure she'll be back soon. I'm actually glad you're here, there's something I want to talk to you about."
"I figured," John said, taking a deep breath, trying not to panic.
Clint gave him an odd look, but continued. "I understand from Bo that you've been suspended from the LPD again. And I'm sorry to hear that he doesn't think your chances of reinstatement are very good this time."
John hadn't heard that; he'd taken it for granted that sooner or later he'd be back on the force. This was bad on so many levels… He cleared his throat. "I understand your concern, sir," he said, "and I want you to know that I will definitely have a job before the baby comes."
"What?" Clint asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Well, I know Natalie says she doesn't need any money from me, and I guess that's true," John continued, "but it's important to me that I take responsibility and support this child-"
"John!" Natalie's voice nearly screamed from the doorway behind him, "What are you doing?"
John turned around, "I… uh…"
"Apparently, you have something to tell me," Clint said sternly to his daughter.
John's eyes widened. "I thought you knew."
"Why would you think that?" Natalie asked, her face growing progressively more red with anger.
"He said we needed to talk," John said looking back and forth between the two of them.
"We're looking for a new head of security," Clint said, clearly just holding his own anger in check, "I thought you might be interested in the job."
"John, can you go wait in my office," Natalie said.
"I think he and I have a lot more to talk about," Clint said.
"Only after I yell at him," she said emphatically.
Clint thought for a moment. "Okay," he said, "and when you get done with that, you and I need to have a talk too."
"Yeah, I know," she said with a sigh, "I'll come by your office when I get a chance."
Clint nodded and walked out of the reception area as Natalie dragged John by the arm into her office and slammed the door. "You told my father I was pregnant!" she shouted.
"I didn't know you hadn't!" he protested, "Why haven't you?"
"Because I come from a family full of good old boys from Texas," she explained, "you got a woman in their family pregnant and aren't even involved with her any more. And I want my baby's father to be alive when it's born, so for some strange reason I was trying to spare you the inevitable confrontation-"
"I can handle it," he insisted.
She smiled. "Famous last words. So what are you doing here anyway?"
"I wanted to show you this," he said, taking a piece of paper out of his pocket and handing it to her.
She looked it over. "You have an appointment with Dr. Crosby?"
"And I met with him this morning too," he said, sounding almost proud, "I'm living up to my end of our bargain. I just wanted to make sure you are too."
"Of course," she said in a tone he didn't quite believe.
"You've been to see someone?"
"No," she said blushing, "but I'm going to."
"Who?" he asked.
"Not that it's any of your business," she said, trying not to let him see how flustered she felt, "but I'm going to Dr. Crosby too."
"Dr. Crosby isn't taking new patients," he pointed out.
"Dr. Crosby works out of Llanview Hospital where my mother's the chairman of the board."
"Ah," he said, "So when's your appointment?"
"Today," she lied, "on my lunch break."
"You shouldn't be skipping lunch," he said with sudden concern.
"I'm not," she groaned, "I'll eat at my desk. Really John, what's with the interrogation?"
"Nothing," he said, her defensiveness confirming to him that she was lying, "but I just want you to know that I expect to see proof."
"Proof?"
"That you saw him," he said.
"Fine," she said, though it didn't seem to be, "I'll have him write me a note. Will that suffice?"
"Sure," he said with a smile, "Are we done?"
"Yes, we're done," she said, "You can go enjoy being interrogated by my father now."
With one last smirk he turned and walked from her office. Once she was sure that he was out of earshot, she buzzed her secretary. "Gigi, I need you to get me Llanview Hospital on the phone. Dr. Crosby's office."
To be continued…
"Dulce ante omnia musae"
