Covetous pt. 31
Jessica was not where she was supposed to be. She frowned thinking of all the tedious and mounting paperwork that was waiting for her on her desk, but it would be impossible to just go to work and pretend that the interviews and deadlines mattered. There was one thing on her mind, or rather one person, and that was Michael McBain. She thought she knew him, but he turned out to be a very different somebody all together, and not one that she even cared to understand.
The sunlight overhead was killing her, made worse by the black slacks and matching blazer that felt smothering without the comfortable assistance of an air conditioner - like the one at The Banner where she should be right this second. Her mother would not tolerate an all-day absence, and so these few hours of hookie would have to count.
Despite the logical side of her brain telling her to get her butt to work and act like an adult, she walked closer to the water's edge and farther away from anything practical. Right now, all she wanted was a little peace since the knowledge of Michael's affair was eating away at her more fiercely than she ever knew or expected it could. He cheated on her sister. He lied...for years, he lied and played the role of perfect husband and she was absolutely furious over the deception.
Her heart rate was up again, and so she slipped her jacket off with a shrug and a sigh. It felt good to feel the air on her arms, though warm, but still preferable to the suit jacket that was more like a lead weight in this crazy heat. There were sounds of the city floating past, along with the gentle current of the river, but for some reason this was where she was always able to think out problems? When her Uncle Todd ran a story about the seven personalities of Victoria Davidson in his trashy rag, she came here to breathe before going to him and dousing that particular fire. When her parents divorced and her father moved to England to put an ocean between him and his ex-wife, she found herself sitting under these specific Willow trees - using their sheltering branches like a much needed suit of armor.
Now she was here again, only this time she knew there would be no harmonious outcome because solitude was no longer working for her. There was the Michael who became her friend and someone she thought she could always count on, and there was the Michael who was self destructing and taking her family with him. They were the same - one man, not two - and so she would deal with that. She would deal with it the way she always deals, but that didn't stop her heart from aching. It couldn't keep an overwhelming sadness at bay, or a sweeping fear in the shadows. How would Natalie be when the dust cleared?
She bent and splashed some cool water on her neck, and then sank to the small patch of grass at the base of a mighty tree. No one ever came here. Why would they? This was the city and people had places to go and urgent things to do, and she wasn't any different from the rest of the rat race. Okay, maybe she was a little different, because her family was more challenging than most and so she learned at a young age to search for solice wherever you could safely find it.
She had been in high school when her mother had first taken her to the little restaurant down the beach, and it turned out to be a very valuable discovery. Not only did she find a decent place to frequent, but she found an untouched grove along the bank of Lantano River that would ultimately save her sanity over and over again. All-in-all, a good trip.
Jess sat under one of her trees and fought herself. The emotions were bad enough, but it was getting nearly impossible to keep her thoughts under control. Her mind wandered - all night it wandered - which left little rest or energy for the reality that she was trying desperately to contend with.
As her eyes dropped to the deep blue waves and the sounds around her began to fade, she knew it was happening again. Her memories were asserting themselves...haunting...and they were too strong for her to contain. She sighed softly and gave in.
..."Okay, just remember that I really like this guy and that..." Her words lost their volume for a moment, but she quickly recovered her voice. "I really like him, Jessica."
She smirked, trying not to enjoy the nerves that were pouring off of her sister in overwhelming waves. "Relax, I've never seen you so nervous before. It's not like I'm Asa or anything?" They both chuckled at the comparison. "I'm sure I'll love him Natalie, because it seems pretty obvious that you do."
The air around them stilled, and she had to swallow past the fear in her tight throat. There was no way she would admit anything - did she love him - but she wasn't going to deny it either. Instead, she grabbed her sister's hand and pulled, smiling softly as they walked through the entrance to The Palace, and toward a handsome and waiting Michael. "Hey babe?" she greeted, wrapping an arm around his waist and hugging him.
Michael watched the two women approach the table, and his heart somersaulted when he got a decent look at Natalie in a slinky, electric blue dress. It hugged her as though it was sown onto her body, and he had to swallow so that his throat would be clear enough to get sound through. Her red hair was down and spiralled and he wanted to forget propriety altogether and lead her out to the parking lot and the back seat of his Miata. "Wow," he managed, very aware that he had to pull himself together long enough to meet the family.
His eyes went to the new arrival, and he had to admit that the blonde was a knock out of epic proportions. This was going to be one hell of a fun dinner! "Hi," he said, reaching out a hand and shaking a cool palm. "Michael McBain. It's great to finally meet you Jessica."
She smiled politely. "Doctor, right?"
He nodded, unable to deny that she was very relaxing. It was strange to feel so instantly comfortable. "I know that I'm supposed to use my salutation, but between you and me, it comes off as a little..."
"...pompous?"
He laughed, grinning widely and agreeing wholeheartedly. He pulled out a chair on either side of him and helped the ladies to their seats, and then he focussed on a soft set of blue eyes that were staring from beneath long lashes. "What?" he asked, trying to remember that this was a public place and that there was still another party joining them for dinner.
Natalie shook her head, tearing her eyes from him with a blush. "Nothing. I'm just really glad that you are finally meeting my family." She felt his hand wrap around hers and squeeze, and then she turned to her patient and observant sister. "So how was work, Jess?"
"I had to deal with Todd all afternoon." Her gaze seemed drawn to the doctor. "Have you had the pleasure?" He shook his head. "Well, let me be the first to apologize on behalf of my entire family."
Mike chuckled again, fascinated with her ability to captivate. She was something else, but that was as far as the thought would go because he wanted another Buchanan and badly. He wasn't one for rushing to commitment, but all his thoughts were of Natalie and the home and life they could build together. It was strange, like the hand of fate stepping in to grant his every wish, but with her he could see that dream that has been around since he was old enough to realize that girls were more than teammates. She was gorgeous, smart, quick-witted. She made him laugh and called him on his shit, and they had insane sex that has made him stupid on more than one occasion. He was never really one to believe in the perfect woman, but Natalie seemed to fit that mould and he was going to do everything he could to make both of their dreams come true. The ones that they shared.
He smiled at Jessica, interupting her tirade about an uncle that he was pretty sure he could do without ever knowing. "It looks like I'm the luckiest man alive tonight," he said with ease.
"Why?"
He nodded toward the door, and both girls climbed from their seat. He joined them, watching as Natalie ran over to greet her mother and no doubt beef up his introduction a bit. He stared at the hot sister, suddenly remembering that he had a question to answer. "I get to have dinner alone with three beautiful women. How many men can boast that?"
Jessica liked him. There was a quality to him that demanded attention, and it didn't hurt that he was incredibly good looking. She knew already that there was a small crush brewing, but it was plain to see that Natalie was his focus and she was okay with that. Her sister deserved a man who would love her with everything in him. Michael could fill that void.
They both reclaimed their seats and stared in silence, until she had to make some sort of conversation or go crazy! "So Natalie said that she met you at the hospital?"
He crossed his arms and leaned forward, holding her big eyes unflinchingly. "What exactly has she told you about me, Jessica?"
She grinned, shrugging her shoulders. "She told me enough," she teased, refusing to reveal anything during this light interrogation. "Worried?"
He wanted to laugh, but knew that it would be a touch more arrogant than he was going for this evening. Instead he stared with astounding confidence. "No." Her expression said it all...she was not impressed...and it only made him like her more. "So do I pass?"
"Get the seal of approval?"
This time he did laugh. "Yeah."
She took a sip of her ice water. "It's too soon to tell, Mike, but why don't you try to impress the hell out of me?"
His grin stretched, and then they were joined by another beautiful blonde. He stood to greet the mother of the woman who he... Well who he was genuinely considering for his future. "Hello Mrs. Davidson."
The night could definitely be classed as a success, and as they all collected their coats and filed out the door, Michael gently grabbed Jessica by the arm. "So?"
She paused, smiling at the cute way he covered his nerves with bravado. "So keep trying." Then she walked to her car and pulled away without another glance...
It was strange really, but that night was the start of something wonderful. It took exactly one dinner for her to see that he would be the perfect married choice for her sometimes unpredictable sister, and that there was an inherent goodness in him. Only now she doubted every encounter as though it were a lie, and that hurt almost as much as catching her brother-in-law with a skank wrapped around him.
Jess blew out a quick breath, trying to work past the anger that roared to life after every fresh walk down Memory Lane. This wasn't her drama...her lie...but it was consuming and painful and she hated every tortured second that plagued her mind, body and soul.
Michael, you shithead!
She couldn't reconcile the man in her head - the one that once upon a time, wanted to marry her sister - with the one in that damn parking garage.
..."Hey, you got a sec?"
He glanced up, oblivious to the soft knock that precluded his guest, and then smiled widely when he spotted her. "Always for you."
Jess stepped through the oak door. "Wow, you look..."
"Fantastic."
She rolled her eyes and stepped further into the room. "I was going to say, entirely too calm and collected. What's up with that?"
He walked toward the horrendously floral sofa in the corner of the room, and took a comfortable seat beside the wide bay window. He watched as she joined him, and then they both sat for a peaceful moment, appreciating the calmness that surrounded them. It felt good. Michael turned and took note of his friend with a careful eye. She was stunning...breathtaking. Her long locks were pinned high, with spiral tentrils that baffled him and made him wonder how women managed to do things like that? Her dress was a simple satin number that wrapped around with delicious precision. The colour was a silvery grey that he has never seen before, but he definitely liked it - enough to lock it in his memory banks for a later date. Perhaps a curtain or carpet in their new home? He had a vision of soft and shimmery shag in the master bedroom. It was cheesy, but kind of sexy too, and his lips curled into a grin as his excitement began to take hold. "You look amazing Jess!"
She smiled bashfully. "Thank you, but you can thank Natalie for the outfit. Bridesmaid...remember?"
He remembered. Today was his wedding day. "Well Natalie has great taste." She struck him then, and he chuckled as her fist connected with his arm in automatic fashion. "Seriously though, that dress works on you."
"Thanks." She glanced around the room. So this was church? She wasn't religious and her family definitely kept their distance from such things, but it didn't look so bad. The furniture was a little simplistic, but things were in good condition. There was a surprising warmth to the sparse office that was serving as Groomsman Headquarters today. Jess turned toward the blue eyes that were watching her closely. "You're awfully calm Mike."
He smirked. "If you're waiting for cold feet I wouldn't hold my breath."
"No? You're not even a little nervous?"
He shook his head, sinking further into the cushion of his chair. His eyes went to the window. "Marrying Natalie is probably the best idea I've ever had? No cold feet...no nerves...no sweaty palms or a pounding heart." He refocussed on his companion. "She's perfect for me. Things will be perfect."
Jessica smiled, taking his hand and giving it a slight squeeze. "So why so sad then?"
He blinked in surprise, trying to find the right words to her question. "I'm not sad." It was clear by the look on her face that she didn't believe him at all, and he frowned, feeling trapped by her big eyes...and by the direction of this conversation. "I'm not sad," he repeated more firmly. "This is the greatest day of my life!"
"Okay." She wasn't going to push.
He glanced out the window again, until the soothing sounds of an organ began to flood every spare corner of the church. His grin was back, and so was his excitement.
Jessica jumped to her feet. "Oh crap!" she blurted, before running for the door. She had somewhere else to be just now! "Crap, crap, crap..."
Michael watched her sprint away, unable to keep his amusement from his face as he did. He took a breath, walking slowly toward a future that was so bright it was blinding. He felt fantastic! He felt ready, and as his legs drew closer to a set of double doors that would reveal his wife - what a great word - he knew that things were only going to get better.
The music changed, signalling his cue to walk toward his bride. He grinned the entire distance, but in the back of his mind he couldn't shake that surprising and astute question that was posed with such innocence and concern. He wasn't sad.
Where are you John? he wondered, and then everything went away because he saw one thing and she was amazing and waiting for him in all her beauty and glory!
He took a quick breath into his tight lungs.
Today he was getting married...
Jessica absently wiped the few tears streaking down her cheeks without preamble. Everything was tainted now! She couldn't trust any of her memories, because it seemed clear that Michael wanted to get married and love her sister passionately. Yet here she is - they were - struggling with the shocking truth of how he actively screwed around on her. How could he do it?
...I have EVERYTHING, but none of it feels...the way it should!...
His words were stuck on a continual loop in her head and she was sick of it! She was frustrated!
...I love Natalie, Jessica, but there's something missing! I don't know what? I don't know WHY?...
She took a deep breath and forced herself to remember that there was something more important going on here. There was something bigger than any betrayal or disillusionment that swamped her about Michael.
She had to think of Natalie.
"You've reached a decision," a soft voice interupted.
Her spine straightened and her muscles tensed, threatening one hell of a tension headache if she wasn't careful. "I called you forty minutes ago!" she snapped, turning toward the wide blue eyes that were boring into her with concern and sadness.
Michael nodded slowly, working hard to push away his fear so that he could start to make things right again. It was difficult. She hated him now. He opened his mouth to speak, but realized that he wasn't quite brave enough yet, and so he held out his hand and he waited.
"What's that?"
"Mango-strawberry," he replied, continuing to hold the refreshing smoothie while she rallied with another small shock. It was apparent that it never occured to her that he would try to be nice, or a friend, and that hole in his heart tore a little wider. "Just take it Jessica," he pushed, "you can still hate me!"
She climbed to her feet and brushed some loose grass from her slacks. Her eyes would be red, thanks to endless hours of tears, and she felt more anger because he would know that and she didn't want him to understand the impact this was having on her. "I call you to talk about my sister and you stop at Mario's?" Despite her harsh words, she was taking the offering and walking closer to the cool river.
Michael sighed, wiping a palm over his face before approaching her carefully. "Jess..."
This whole thing was getting worse, not better! She moved away and went back to her tree, easing against the bark and taking a small sip of the deliciously cold drink. Her frown deepened. This was a drink, not forgiveness.
He tried again and sat at her side, staring at the calm water in thick silence. He knew that she would be here. The second that she said the word beach he knew, and it was such a Jessica thing to do, although he never really considered that he'd end up being the problem that she had to sort through? He shifted slightly, waiting until she was ready to say what he already knew she would say. He had to tell his wife the truth, and the weight of his actions were finally crystal clear to him. He had to finally be honest with Natalie, but not just because it was right - not only for her or himself. Jessica unwittingly became a part of his lie, simply from stopping to visit a friend and getting an eyeful of deceipt instead.
He owed a lot of people a lot of things.
"You have to tell her Michael."
He continued to watch her, noting the way she kept her gaze on the river. "I know."
"NO," she said forcefully, turning toward him quickly, "I mean today...tonight! You have to tell her because she deserves to know and because if you don't tell her..."
"I will."
She wanted to slap him hard across the face. "If you don't tell her then I will Michael. You have one day to grow a backbone."
He stiffened, turning away for a moment to collect himself. That one cut pretty deeply. "I promise to talk to her Jess." She chuckled coldly, and he found her face again. His own anger was beginning to surpass his guilt. "What?" he asked, daring her to say whatever she was thinking.
"Do me a favour and stop making promises Mike." She stood and so did he. That was fine, because all the anger that has been bottled overnight was coming out. It felt good. "Your word is a joke because you're a liar, so don't blurt out something meaningless like a promise and expect me to believe that it isn't empty!"
He stared at her hard, trying to sort out the jumble of emotions that were slamming him while fighting for supremacy. He was angry. She was right, he was a liar and now he had to learn to accept that there are consequences to that fact. He had to learn to be the guy that he used to be, but it didn't erase his need to defend himself. She was right about him, but she also wasn't. He wasn't the devil, just a world class idiot who hurt a lot of innocent people by being selfish. "I know what I did...what I am, but I'm trying to fix that!"
She laughed again. "No, you're being forced to fix that."
"Meaning?"
She couldn't stop the words from flowing. "Michael, if I didn't know about your little secret would you even be contemplating talking to your wife right now? NO! The answer is no! You wouldn't, because you're a selfish bastard who lies!"
He didn't move, and kept his eyes on her flushed face while she grew more and more aggitated with him. His first instinct was to fight because she was attacking, but he also understood the level of truth to her words and it twisted his gut into a knot that would likely be there for the rest of his life! The hot air felt strained...punishing...and then she was shaking her head and stalking past him in a huff and he couldn't stop himself from reacting.
In one fast move, he had her arm in a tight grip as he drug her back to face him. There was so much emotion staring through him with intensity, and he swallowed. She was surprised, obviously expecting him to stay a statue and let her pass, and she was furious because every piece of her was communicating a staggering level of rage at his apparent audacity. Michael took a quick breath into his lungs. The part that hit him like a full body blow was the pain - so much of it in blue eyes that were usually flooding with kindness.
His arms wrapped around her firmly, and he hugged her close despite her desperate desire to flee. She was struggling in his grasp, but he couldn't let her go. He couldn't bring himself to let her leave without knowing - whether she wanted to know or not - that she mattered and he was sorry.
Jessica didn't know what to do? He was supposed to keep his distance and take whatever she chose to dish out because that's what he deserved. He was supposed to stare with his lying doe eyes and then slink away and sulk over his assinine behaviour. He wasn't supposed to care about anyone but himself, and he certainly wasn't supposed to try and be a friend. She slid her tiny hands over his hard chest and pushed with all her strength, but there was no escape from a solid hug that was as determined to keep her close as she was to run. "Michael..."
His heartbeat was fast under her palm, and she felt all the swirling confusion inside her begin to tear free like a breaking dam. Images of him with Natalie flashed behind her wet eyes, making her aware that she was crying even though she couldn't really feel it. Flashes of Lindsay tormented, while her anger and sorrow merged together in a frenzy. Everything was all wrong, and as a sob slipped past her throat she buried her face into his shoulder and let it all out because it was too hard to keep it inside.
Jessica held tightly to the man who was the cause of everything, and shook as she finally cracked in his warm embrace.
"It's going to be okay, Jessica," he whispered into silky blonde hair, "I swear it will be okay." His heart was shattering into a thousand jagged pieces. What did he do? His hands stroked her back and he continued to murmur whatever comfort he could think of while she cried. He tightened his grip, holding her as fiercely as she was holding him so that she could feel that she wasn't alone and that no matter how much of an asshole he has been she could trust him to be her friend. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."
Eventually the agony lessened and their fierce clench lost its strength. Jessica slowly stepped away and noted that he didn't try to stop her this time. She glanced up, feeling more confused than ever. Which Michael was she staring at right now? She cleared her raw throat. "Tell the truth please?"
He nodded slowly. "I'll tell her tonight."
"Tell who, what?"
They turned sharply and in unison, both shocked at the sight of a casual John McBain as he stood awaiting an answer to his question. No one spoke for a long moment.
He glanced at his baby brother with concern. "Mike?"
"John," Jessica began, frantically trying to come up with a plausible answer, but her brain and body stopped dead as another crushing blow ended all thought processes.
"Natalie," Mike voiced solumnly, "about Lindsay."
Jessica lost her anger - all her discomfort and confusion. She lost every tangled emotion because what was dawning on her rather slowly was that John was aware of his brother's transgression. She stared into bright eyes and she knew...she knew that he knew and there was no element of surprise at the realization. Still, she had to voice it. "You knew?" He stood straight, stiff as a board, and his body language screamed the answer that she already understood. It was yes.
Michael took a step forward, which was as far as he got because she backed away and her blank expression was replaced with a familiar rage...a familiar disappointment. He felt an ache around his battered heart. "It's not what you think."
She grinned, crossing her arms in defiance while glancing from brother to brother. "Really? He doesn't know about what you did? He's not protecting you and leaving my sister twisting in the wind?"
"No... Just..."
John moved closer, staring into the anger that was suddenly and fiercely directed at him. He understood it. "Yes, I know about Lindsay." That was apparent, but he felt the need to say the words aloud...like he owed them or something?
"How long?"
He turned to Michael with a telltale frown. "Awhile."
This was getting better and better. "You've known this whole time and you haven't said anything? To anyone?" She stepped forward, closing the distance between them. "TO NATALIE?"
He held his ground, but his heart was thundering nervously in his tight chest. He kept a secret but that didn't mean it was one he wanted to carry. "No."
She couldn't believe this? Her eyes raked over him carefully, noting his discomfort and slight shame, but that did little to make her warm towards him. Apparently lying ran in the family. "I know that you care about my sister."
John swallowed, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation was taking, especially with his brother's interested eyes glued to him. He held her accusing gaze head on. "Yeah, I do." He wasn't going to lie anymore.
"Were you ever going to say anything?"
He didn't speak but it didn't matter because the answer was as telling as the lie that bound them all together. She shook her head softly and in disappointment. "Never mind." She moved around them and started to walk away.
"What should I have done, Jessica?"
She wanted to keep on walking, but found it impossible. She spun slowly, turning back to the brothers as they stood side-by-side along a riverbed. "How about be honest?"
John stared across a patch of sand and felt incredibly sad. He hated that Natalie was once again in the dark while someone else made a decision to protect her - he was guilty as charged. He hated that Jessica's opinion of him was shaken, because whether he was looking for it or not or expecting it or not, he liked her. "He's my brother," he voiced, trying to get her to understand the impossible situation.
She sighed softly. "...and she's my sister." Her eyes went to Michael, who was frozen both physically and emotionally. She could still read him, that at least hadn't changed, and right now he was confused about what he was supposed to be doing? For a split second she forgot her anger, but only for a second. She refocussed on John. "I get the need to look out for family." She did, she really did. The Buchanan's gave her plenty of practice in that regard. "The problem is that while you were protecting Mike you were lying to Natalie. That's not okay. None of this is okay."
Michael took a few steps toward her, but he was cautious. Truthfully, he didn't know what to expect at this point. Their eyes locked together under the hot sun. "All of this is irrelevant because it ends tonight."
"It's not irrelevant, Michael. I'm sorry that you can't see why?"
He stiffened, feeling yet another invisible blow. "Jess..."
"Enough!" She shook her head firmly. "I'll be calling my sister in the morning." She stared hard, trying to convey the urgency that riddled her from head to toe. Her heart was wild in her chest. "Please," she blurted a little desperately, "please keep your word?" She needed that so badly because this was his last chance to be the Michael that she's known over the years. Then she did walk away and without another glance at either of them. There were life things to do today, and with any luck at all they would distract her from her worry and fear for the rest of the night.
His eyes followed her until her car was pulling from the lot and disappearing from view. She was gone but he continued to stare at an empty street. Things were so royally fucked up, and he never knew that it was possible to hate yourself as much as he did in this exact moment. He ran a hand through his hair roughly, before slowly turning to the waiting brother that was - even now - looking out for him. He was giving him time, and Michael felt a little lost. "How did I not see what I was doing?"
John smiled gently. "Well you've always kind of viewed the world out of Michael-coloured glasses, and usually that's okay because he's not such a bad guy, but..."
"...but not always."
"No," he agreed, approaching slowly. He stared directly into wide, searching eyes. "You're not alone in this."
Those were five of the sweetest words. He nodded, feeling a little numb from the overload that the afternoon has conjured. They continued to stare in stretched silence, but it was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. He took a step backwards.
John felt the same change in the air because there was no way to avoid the strain between them any longer. He could see how squirelly Mike was getting. He was going to bolt. "Michael," he tried, pushing a little.
"I have to get back."
"Wait..."
"I shouldn't even be here," he yammered, turning so that he could dart to his van and head to the hospital.
"Michael!" John snapped, anxious to finally get their own secrets out in the open. It was weird that he wanted them gone, but the truth was too powerful for them now. He could feel it from all sides, trying to surface. "We need to talk!"
"NO!" he replied forcefully, staring aggressively at the man who only moments ago had his back. "I have to return to the hospital John. I shouldn't be here right now, and..."
"It can't wait any longer, Michael. Please?"
He shook his head firmly, before plastering a large smile on his nervous lips. "Don't look so worried," he suggested, continuing to move backwards, "as soon as I get home tonight we can have a talk." He tried to leave.
"When?" he pushed, following closely.
"When, what?"
His heart was pounding against a rib and making it harder to breathe. "When can we talk tonight? You said you were going to talk to Natalie." Those words were like a knife in his soul.
That stopped him and he swung around, not bothering to hide his anger. "I said I will and I will. That's between me and my wife!" He couldn't control his fear. "I don't have time right now, so just deal with it!"
"I AM dealing, but you have to help me out here!" The air cracked between them. "It's important Mike."
Michael stared hard, with cold, determined eyes. There was a wound inside. He ignored it. "The only thing I need to do brother, is get back to the patients that need me." He felt lost in the bright gaze that was begging him to stay, but that wasn't something that he could do just now. Maybe never? He turned and walked to his car, allowing air to circulate through his chest when he wasn't followed by a persistant pain-in-the-ass!
Michael left, fighting to drag his eyes away from the image of a lonely, rigid John in his rearview.
Natalie took a bite of bread stick, aware that she has successfully devoured a plate of crab and over half a basket of baked goods - none of which she wanted, but her nerves had all the control right now. The stretched silence between her and her mother continued to pull and taunt, and she frowned, eating more of the carb-loaded snack. "Are you going to ignore me forever?"
Vicki sighed softly, turning toward her anxious daughter. It bothered her that she was so high strung because that only confirmed what she already knew in her gut. Natalie had something to hide. "Darling, if I were ignoring you then I would have ended our afternoon." She stared hard, studying the head strong beauty. "I was thinking about what you had to say, and admittedly hoping you'd finally talk to me about whatever is upsetting you."
She took a moment to gather her thoughts together. "Mom," she began softly, "I've told you that everything would be fine and it will. I have some stuff to sort out, but it's not all bad, and..."
"Is your marriage in trouble?"
She froze, blinking away the surprise that was swiftly followed by her defenses. "Uughhh, why won't you listen?" She was tired of this! "Just because I've been busy with John lately, doesn't mean that you can show up and demand answers that I'm not interested in giving! Please, just stop pushing me?" Her heart was slamming and making it harder to breathe.
Vicki gently wiped the corner of her mouth, and placed her napkin over the cold lunch that was once again going untouched. She was more worried than ever. "Pushing is a mother's perogative." There was so much animosity in the air that is was stifling. "Natalie baby, what am I supposed to think when you're on edge and combative? You're making significant life changes with work, and spending a great deal of time with a young man who seems quite taken with you." She ignored the telling look of surpise from the girl, which was becoming pretty common, and continuing on so that they could break through the wall that the stubborn redhead was so desperate to keep in place. "Your sister is acting strangely, and when..."
"When...what?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know?
"I ask you about your marriage and your first response is to bring up John." She felt sad, hoping she was wrong. Her hand reached forward, but there would be no contact because two tiny hands disappeared under the table. "Natalie I love you."
She nodded, feeling sick to her stomach and fiercely regretting her idiot decision to eat. What was she supposed to say? "Mom..."
"Is it too soon to come back?" a familiar voice interupted cautiously.
Vicki glanced at John McBain. It was obvious that he was willing to make a hasty exit if they needed that, which only made her like him more, but this meal was taking an inappropriate turn. The mistake seemed so clear now. A public restaurant was the wrong idea for such personal ground work. "Not at all, John. Please sit and join us?"
He did as asked, but his gut was not going to unclench anytime soon. The air was thick with tension, making him swallow hard. "Is everything alright?" He knew that it wasn't, but perhaps he'd luck out and they would include him? If you can call that lucky! he thought sarcastically.
Natalie couldn't bring herself to look at him. She had so many emotions rolling around right now, and she was terrified that they would transfer over. That would be catastrophic with her nosy mother watching their every move. "Fine," she finally answered, on a rough throat. She couldn't look at him because she was hanging on by an unravelling thread.
Her eyes wandered over to the concerned parent who was far too skilled at seeing the truth of matters. She didn't say it outright, but it was implied - John and her were having an affair. If she looked into his beautiful eyes then the secret would be out. There would be no stopping it. "You should eat," she suggested, sliding the bread closer to him, while continuing to avoid any and all eye contact.
He was officially worried now. What the hell happened inside, while he was outside fighting another type of turmoil? His gaze went toward Mrs. Davidson, aware that she was watching him calmly and with interest. There was polite affection for him, twisting his already tight gut, but there was also worry. She was trying to see what went beyond the surface. "Listen," he started, not entirely certain what he was going to say to the powerhouse, but his chance to figure it out was taken by the trill of a cell phone.
Natalie lept at the opportunity that fate was granting. She quickly flipped to the caller, not even caring that it was Lindsay Rappaport because tangling with that blonde was something that she could handle. "Yes I know," she breathed into the phone, dropping her eyes, "just accept delivery." She twisted in her seat, crossing her legs and keeping her eyes on her mother and far away from John. "Yes...I know...just do it!" A frown stretched across her face. "Hang on!" she snapped, placing a palm over the mouthpiece. "I have to take this." She stood and allowed herself a split second in time, locking onto his bright gaze. "Excuse me," she blurted, darting away in a hurry.
He watched her slip out onto the terrace, and was wondering a lot of different things and none of them were comforting. What was going on with Lindsay? What had her shaken to the core, because there was no mistaking the current of fear all over her? He instinctively wanted to smooth it away.
He took a slow breath, relieved that his impromptu tryst with Jessica and Michael ended when it did. If his brother had not run, then she would be on that patio right now and seeing them together near the beach. He wanted to finally tell Mike the truth, but what if other secrets tumbled free? That was usually the way these things worked, and he would do anything to keep her from finding out about Lindsay - not that way. He didn't want to add to her pain. The best course of action was Michael, and it was like a knife straight into his heart. He had to let his brother set things right, and it didn't matter that the thought of them fixing the damage - working on their marriage - was enough to slice him into pieces.
John ran a shaky hand over his face and turned toward his silent guest. She was still observing him - yes, that was the right word - and he had to struggle to end his troubled thoughts because he was once again having the irrational fear that she could read his mind. Fuck! The sins that she would discover...? Not good. He swallowed, drinking down the last of his water and holding her even stare.
Michael would wait...their tangled mess of lies would wait...until later tonight when he walked into his house on Wallcrest Drive to tell his amazing wife the truth of his affair with her business partner. Christ! The heat of the afternoon was working beyond the air conditioner, because he felt like he was on fire right now!
He stared at the probing blue eyes that were laced with a surprising patience. "How's the crab?"
Vicki smiled softly. "You tell me?"
He decided to take her up on that. His plan from the start was to shove food into his mouth to avoid talking and that was still appealing.
She took a sip of wine.
He ate his meal in silence, but it was pretty clear that she was waiting on him to start things. Normally he'd find amusement in that, because when he didn't want to talk he didn't talk...but this was different. He felt compelled to grant the lady her wish. What the fuck? "Lunch is good," he offered, frowning at his own stupidity.
Vicki took another drink of her wine and then leaned forward, staring at him and appreciating the way he didn't shy away. "I really like you John, and both of my daughters have come to care for you in an extremely short amount of time."
He swallowed some seafood and wiped his hands. His heart was beginning to pound, along with the brain that knew exactly where this conversation would lead. "Yes, ma'am," he acknowledged evenly, "the feeling is mutual."
"I know it is. I can see that it is."
Why did it feel like the earth was crumbling beneath his feet? He took a smooth breath and swallowed the remainder of Natalie's wine, needing it desperately.
"John..."
He could see her struggling a bit with her concern, and he smiled, finding comfort in that. "You can say anything to me." He knew she would anyway, but it was important to him that she understand that there were no hard feelings between them.
"Thank you," she replied, relaxing a little. "Jessica speaks very highly of you."
He was happy to hear that, though her opinion may very well have changed? "I'm not good with people, and I don't really have friends, but..."
She felt a warmth at his unspoken admission. It was easy to be drawn to him, and to see why her daughters were no exception. "Natalie cares about you too."
They stared across the tiny table.
John waved over the young waitress from behind the bar. She brought the pre-chosen wine with her, and he promptly took over the pouring duties, determined to keep the bottle with them. He glanced over at his companion, and breathed a sigh of relief when she smiled and slid her glass closer in invitation. He promptly obliged, unable to keep a tiny smirk at bay when she didn't stop him until it was full to the rim. He followed suit, swallowing down the alcohol like a lifeline.
"You know," he said, searching out her waiting eyes, "I didn't even want to come here. To Llanview I mean." That was the truth. He had dreaded the thought of being anywhere near his brother's normal world. All that happiness made his stomach queasy, but he had to come because his need to see Michael trumped everything else. Though he detested "acceptable living", he also craved it. That was where his brother was and he was desperate to feel anything other than disgust, contempt and loathing.
"I'm glad that I came, because I found some things that I never expected and it turns out that I needed to find them." His heart was beginning to thunder, making him slightly lightheaded with the wine in his system. He reached out and swallowed some more.
Vicki could see the truth in his bright, frustrated eyes, and could hear the honesty in his deep voice. "I don't pretend to know you or your life, but one thing seems pretty clear."
He licked his lips, concentrating to find his voice and squeeze it out. "What is that?"
"You're searching."
He released the breath that he didn't even realize he had been holding.
Vicki took a quick drink, needing to push forward for the sake of a daughter who was definitely confused about her life and the people in it. She stared into the piercing eyes across from her. "You don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm not sure you really know what you want either and that worries me John." He was waiting for her to expand on that comment, and she took a breath. "You've spent time with Lindsay Rappaport."
He sat straight, not even bothering to hide his shock at her blunt assessment. How did she know any of this?
"You've spent time with Jessie, and you've also spent a great deal of time with Natalie."
He understood where she was leading him, but that didn't make the knowing any easier. He ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not using your family."
She shook her head in total agreement. "No. I know that John, but again...I suspect that you don't know what you want?"
He leaned forward, holding her stare directly. "That's a pretty big assumption on your part." He knew exactly what he wanted.
Vicki eased up a bit, pausing their candor to pour some more wine into their empty glasses. She found him still waiting, and her heart pumped in her chest. She didn't want to do this. "I know how much you love your brother. It's obvious to anyone paying attention. You don't want to hurt him," she swallowed, "or Natalie."
His chest felt like a lead brick. Was his heart even beating? "The last thing I ever want to do on this earth is hurt Mike." He couldn't look away if he wanted to, and he didn't want to. "...or Natalie."
She touched his hand for a moment, but it was brief because he instinctually pulled from the contact. He was so guarded. "I meant what I said John. I really do like you."
"But?"
She smiled softly...sadly. "When I look at you I see a lost soul. You're trying to find your place and I can understand that more than you realize, but sometimes lost souls look where they shouldn't. Sometimes their intentions do more damage than good."
He couldn't disagree. No matter the emotions that stirred inside with hurricane strength, or the secure knowledge that a tiny redhead was all he needed in his life...he couldn't disagree.
"I realize that I'm so far over the line right now, but I'm not really sure what to do? I have Jessica avoiding me too, and Natalie refusing to open up, at least with me, but I'm betting that's not the case with you."
Okay, now he was uncomfortable. "I'm not sure what you want me to say to you?" He really wasn't, because there was no way he was going to walk away from the only thing that has ever felt so completely right to him. He couldn't do it. Was it selfish, hell ya, but he couldn't do it!
Vicki wasn't entirely sure what she was expecting from all this either? She only knew that her daughter wouldn't let her help, and so maybe John would? She had to try. "I guess I'm hoping that you'll think about what I've said to you today? I see honor in you, which is a rarity in this day and age, but there is so much mystery and darkness. I don't want that to touch my daughters, John."
"Okay, what did I miss now?" Natalie walked toward the table with her hands on her hips. She glared at her mother with accusing eyes. "I asked you to let me handle my own life, and you took that to mean, pressure John for information?" She was furious!
"Natalie, honey..."
"DON"T!" she interupted firmly. "How could you...?"
"Natalie, stop!"
She blinked, staring at an irritated John, only he wasn't irritated with the right person. "What?" How could he be mad at her for defending him?
"We're just talking and everything is fine."
She had to be hearing things? "Oh come on, she is grilling you and you're going to defend..."
He grabbed her hand and tugged, forcing her to her seat with a thud. She froze, shocked by his sudden aggression. The seat slid closer and she swallowed, captured by the demand staring straight through her.
John needed to stop this before she really got going. It was not helping anything. "We were talking, but it's fine, so stop badgering your mother over nothing." Her emotions were going to spill over, it was inevitable, but maybe he could redirect them? "Besides, I can take care of myself and you're being rude." He saw a familiar anger spark and burn behind the liquid blue of her eyes.
The words hit their mark. If she reached up to touch her cheek, she fully expected the skin to be hot from the invisible blow that just struck her with astounding force. "I... I thought..." How the hell was she supposed to be feeling? She couldn't figure it out. She was mad, she knew that much.
He blew out a heavy breath, staring at her with regret. "I know what you thought but you're wrong. Just let it go." He eased back into his seat, trying for distance between them.
Natalie turned to her mother, who was very quiet while everything played out in front of her like a private Broadway screening. "I shouldn't have attacked you," she said carefully, "and especially when John is fine on his own." She found his eyes and glared hard.
He polished off the drink in front of him, preparing for the fight that was going to happen the second they had any alone time. That was fine.
Vicki blew out a breath and poured some wine, passing it to the shell-shocked daughter that was looking on with wide eyes. A change of topic was in order. "So is everything alright at The Gallery?"
She felt relief wash through every muscle, for once appreciating the way Victoria Davidson read people. "Yes," she answered, glancing between them nervously. "I wanted to talk to both of you about that actually."
He could see a blush on her white skin, which intrigued him to say the least. She was excited about something...nervous? "What?" he voiced, falling into the bright gaze that landed on him and made him melt a little from head to toe. His curiosity was definitely piqued.
"There is going to be an important party tonight, and I was hoping that you might come?" She stared a moment longer, and then pried her eyes away to glance at her equally intrigued mother. "Both of you," she repeated, watching her ease into her seat and ponder the invitation.
"Well I missed the last Gallery event, and so I'd love to go," Vicki admitted honestly. Her heart began to thump. "Are you sure you want me to attend?"
Natalie frowned. "YES. Tonight is important and I'd really like you there, but if..."
"I'll be there."
She smiled, relieved at how quickly they could move past insanely awkward and hostile. She loved this woman. "Thank you." She focussed on John. He was...pleased...and she knew it was because of how things were smoothing out with her mother. "What about you?"
He stared, shrugging softly. "The last one wasn't so bad."
Vicki felt another pang of fear inside as the two of them continued to react to one another on an instinctive level. There was intimacy there...feelings. She frowned, and then quickly glanced at the dainty silver watch on her slender wrist. "I'm afraid that I've used up more of the afternoon than I should have." She cleared her throat and slowly stood from the table, but belatedly realized that there was still food on John's plate. "Oh, I'm sorry, if you need more time..."
He lifted his hand and shook his head. "I couldn't eat another bite." Truthfully, he could probably eat another dozen whole crabs, but was as anxious as she was to end this date.
They all stood and made their way to the limosine, and he felt his heart pounding in his chest as they journeyed back toward the little suburbia neighbourhood that held all of his secrets. He thought about everything carefully, landing on some key points that wouldn't let his mind or conscience rest. She knew about him and Natalie, or definitely suspected strongly, and he hated that no matter how hard they tried to keep things between them...the rest of the world found a way to encroach. It was disheartening. He felt a ticking clock overhead, and it was winding down toward the final minutes.
John stared at the white house as they approached, noting how everything was as perfect as when they left, but it was all still an elaborate facade. Natalie's marriage was not happy and solid, because he spent every spare minute he could touching her and taking - needing. He deliberately placed himself between Natalie and Michael, and now he had to live with it because the days of secrets were about to come to an end.
"John?"
He turned to the open door, staring at Natalie as she stood on the sidewalk and smiled down at him in amusement.
"You coming?"
He grinned, climbing from the car. His thoughts were more intrusive than he thought, because he didn't even notice her exiting the vehicle in the first place. "Thank you, Mrs. Davidson," he said softly, holding the woman's formidable stare as best he could.
"It was my pleasure John," she replied, joining the duo on the side of the road. He nodded slowly, smiling a tiny smile before sauntering toward the house, and then she refocussed on the waiting daughter who had her arms crossed over her chest tightly. "I'm sorry if I upset you today sweetheart."
Natalie smiled. "No you're not, but I appreciate the olive branch."
Vicki grinned, hugging her little girl who was no longer a little girl. "So? Eight o'clock, right?"
"Eight o'clock."
Vicki climbed into her car and drove away, tucking her concerns inside for now. There would be other days to battle Natalie...there were always other days. She sighed, picking up her phone and switching her focus to work.
Natalie shut the solid wood at her back, noting how the house was graveyard silent. John was nowhere to be found, but she could feel him. She walked forward slowly, training her eyes on the little kitchen as he stepped into the wide entrance. Her breath caught, probably due to the eratic beat in her chest?
She dropped her gaze, taking in the cool beer bottle in his outstretched hand, and then she sighed softly, finding his blue eyes. They were watching closely...waiting. "You were an ass today."
He opened the twist cap on his own beer and took a heavy gulp, before finding her again firmly. "I know." There was no point in denying it. "I had to be because your mother..." He paused, trying to come up with the correct phrasing.
"I told you it was a mistake to go to lunch with her."
He smiled, nodding his reluctant agreement. "I like her."
Natalie laughed. "Of course you like her, she's practically you!"
He blinked in surprise, trying to wrap his head around that crazy assessment. She was honest and strong and full of compassion and concern for those around her. She was intimidating as hell, and kind. "How do you figure that?" he asked, not bothering to hide his obvious disagreement.
She chuckled lightly, placing her hand on his warm chest. The beat was steady beneath her touch. "She has one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen on a person." Natalie stared into him. "So do you."
He reached up and touched her lip with a thumb, entranced the way he always was, and then he was kissing her. His tongue moved with ease, claiming her mouth deeply and the contact sent a familiar electricity up and down his spine. "Mmmmm..." She was absolute perfection and he was tired of keeping his hands to himself.
Natalie wrapped her arms around strong shoulders, slightly aware that her feet were lifting from the carpet, but then she knew for sure because she felt the couch below her ass. "John?" she questioned, holding on while he propped her onto the back of the furniture while curling her legs around his hips. "John, John..." she gasped, losing her breath because he was kissing her neck and stealing her will to resist.
His hands moved on instinct, molding over her glorious chest and squeezing. The pressure did exactly what he'd hoped, and he smiled into her hair while a yelp of approval and lust split the air. He could hear her moaning his name.
John took a deep breath and grabbed her tiny waist, using it to tether his roaming hands so that he could find out what she clearly needed to tell him. He stared at her face, studying the soft lines of her jaw and plush lips. Lips that drove him wild. "Natalie?" he whispered, finding her eyes when they finally opened to reveal their sparkle.
She was panting. "I have to go," she blurted, hating the words that would take this moment away. She stared softly, waiting for a reaction.
"What's so special about this party?" She didn't say anything but smiled, and he felt a surge of pride swell up. "The day of reckoning," he said simply, knowing full well that it was true. She had plans for Lindsay and it impressed the hell out of him.
"So," she started nervously, "eight o'clock right? You'll be there?"
He nodded, kissing her softly one last time before extricating himself. He couldn't very well stand between her wide legs and do nothing about that. It would redefine the term, torture.
She hopped to the floor and darted for the staircase, smiling excitedly at him before darting toward her bedroom with enthusiasm.
He stood there another moment, and then walked around the couch, taking an easy seat on the plush cushions. His days in Llanview have been eventful, starting and ending with a redhead that turned everything in his life upside down and sideways. He sat in silence and comtemplation, drinking his beer. It was a realization that should terrify him, but all he could manage to feel was grateful.
He was grateful for her. He was grateful for their time together.
The sounds of her footsteps reached him first, and he turned to watch her approach. There was a garment bag in her hand, as well as a leather pouch hanging from her slender shoulder. She was ready to leave, and though her excitement was contagious, he couldn't help but feel a sadness at the loss.
"No sneak peek at the wonder dress?" he teased, maybe a little hopeful at the thought of a private showing?
She placed the items carefully at the end of the sofa, and then curled at his side with her feet tucked under her legs. She placed her mouth very close to his, staring heatedly. "No John," she breathed, "I want to be standing in a room full of strangers when you see me. I want to feel your eyes taking me in, knowing that you can't touch me and I can't touch you. I want to drive us both crazy until we can't take it anymore."
He blew out the breath that he had been holding and grabbed her head, kissing her hard and fast. Her tongue was already doing fierce battle, and it did things inside to know that she was playing with him so cruelly. It was likely the point...her revenge for this afternoon...but he relished it just the same.
Natalie giggled, smacking his hands down as they worked their way under her shirt. She hopped from the couch quickly, smiling widely while wiping her wet and swollen lips. "I really do have to go."
He frowned, laying his head back and staring. "That wasn't very nice."
"No," she agreed, feeling her own body's protest at her actions, "but you deserved it."
He disagreed.
She blew him a kiss and collected her stuff, and then went to the door without looking back. "I'll see you tonight, McBain." She walked to the waiting cab and climbed in. Tonight would be a great night. She was determined to make it a great night, because it was time to take her life back and she would start with that bitch Lindsay.
The rest would fall into place.
Natalie smiled, ready to face her demons. It would be easy because she wouldn't be doing it alone. She would have John at her side.
Her heart began to pound in her chest as her mind took an entirely different turn. "Driver, change of plans. Take me to Llanview General Hospital." She had one more important stop to make.
Maybe the most important stop of her life?
